It was not too long ago that I was the world’s foremost mad scientist bent on world domination via the undead. Yes, it was I who held the city in thrall while my army of the undead dispersed through the sewer system and up into city governmental buildings and one Starbucks (a few got distracted). Yes, I know the city wasn’t technically held in thrall because my army of undead were rather uncoordinated and not very adept at climbing up the ladders to street level. They ate a lot of rats and spooked a city municipal worker, but that’s about it. But still. The science it was based on was a wild success and I am not ashamed to tell you this.

Like you, I heard about the global warming issue quite a while ago. Like you, I shrugged and stopped reading CNN.com and watched some bootlegged Father Ted. I kept my mind on my work. But now I see that this is something that requires serious reconsideration.

You know, of course, the undead are no good to you when they are treading water. So much for holding the world in thrall. This is not even mentioning the fact that if the world is going to be covered in water, all the work has been taken out of my life’s goal. Soon enough, everyone will be either underwater or floating on top of water. In the case of the former, there is no one around to demand tribute of. In the case of the latter, they’ll be too busy trying to stay alive to pay tribute, not to mention the fact that they won’t really have anything to offer me.

I considered turning my energies toward creating an army of fish undead, but they lack sufficient options for manipulation of their environment. Don’t get me wrong, my first attempt to turn an entire vat of Cod into an army of undead Cod was a wild success, but there was little to no change in their overall behaviour. They displayed sufficient aggression towards me, but mostly they swam in circles.

I fear I have merely succeeded in wasting my precious time all these decades dedicating myself to creating an army of undead. But it is more than that. I have seen the error of my ways. Mother Nature certainly is the great equalizer in this regard. I realize now that I should not feel the need to hold the world, in thrall or otherwise. Are we not all one before the advance of softly lapping ocean waves on the ever-retreating shoreline?

I submit to you, Mother Earth. I welcome the coming desert of endless blue.