This is not how they said it would be.

You grow older. Things you thought were one way are actually another. You make friends that are younger than you which surprises you because it’s always been the other way around. You see the driver’s ed class at college and feel old. You start munching Rolaids more and more. You realize that you know a boatload of stuff and there’s another a whole other boatload that you don’t know about the next dock down so let’s go. You look into other colleges. You consciously look for independent music. You go to open mic nights. You buy two copies of their CD because you don’t know why just because ok? You listen to the radio less and less. You watch television with decreasing frequently as well. Your taste in movies changes, and you find yourself going to see sci-fi movies not as often. When there is a movie you go see, you walk out and comment on the cinematography and the messages that the director placed in the film to create a sense of foreshadowing. You wonder if you’re being sarcastic or you actually believe the yuppie tripe you just spewed. You pour yourself a cup of that awful coffee even though you never drink it and when you stand there in the kitchenette, you make conversation as you stir away with your swizzle-stick, fully intending to pour the swill out the first change you get. You keep your papers in order. You go downtown and get a business licence. You shave more often. You wear hats less often. You buy a watch. You never wear the watch because it makes you feel strange. Your weekdays have blended into one big 120-hour day. You keep yourself busy. You work out in your head what’s due on what days and base what you do that day on that. You find time to write more. You order the twenty-four issues of Finder that you’re missing. You start to play chess again. You organize your CDs. You get keys made. You don’t speed. Your only practical fear is that you have your brights on while you’re driving in towns at night. You shop around for the best price. You eat less. You can do 20 pushups now with no problem. You think about getting a haircut. You think about going to graduation. You decide against going to graduation. You throw away the baggy pants and get some slacks that fit, boy-o. You get out that crisp white shirt you’ve had stashed in your closet and wear it without even blinking because contrary to what you thought before, you can pull off that look. You think about upgrading your computer but conclude that the professional-grade camera is more important and necessary for your well-being. You forget grudges, and honestly, you forget whole sections of your past because let’s face it, they weren’t that difficult anyway and no one likes a complainer. You avoid praise. You do your thing and do it well and that’s good enough for you. You buy a new pair of sneakers at discount price. You do irrational things. You find yourself walking out to there and back, just because. You find the words easier. You realize your smile has evolved into being lopsided. You ignore the friendships you have that don’t benefit either party. You take more time to cultivate the friendships that are good. You worry about the future but don’t think about any specifics. You pick up the tin-whistle and start to play around with it, making up your own tunes. You roll down the windows. You walk out to your car at night and slow down just to listen to the peepers. You get older. You realize that there’s a whole lot more to this thing.

So OK.